Advice for the Newly Divorced

1. Don’t deny or suppress your feelings. You will need to do “grief work”. Keep in mind that mourning the death of a relationship is a process that leads to healing. Give yourself time to heal.
2. Keep busy. Force yourself back into the mainstream of living. Start getting involved in church activities.
3. Refrain from rushing into another intimate relationship on the rebound. The break-up of another relationship before you have worked through your divorce can be doubly devastating.
4. Pray for your former spouse and pray for strength each time you may encounter him or her. Encounters may thus become less painful for you if tempered by God’s love in you heart.
5. Seek counselling. If you or your children are experiencing pain so great you can't live with it, seek out a pastor or professional counselor to help you deal with it.
6. Surrender to God the anger and resentment you feel. These emotions are devastating if harboured continually. Ask God’s forgiveness.
7. Ask God’s guidance as you redefine your personhood. As you pick up the pieces of your shattered life, God alone can lead you from the valley of despair to a new sense of self and give purpose and meaning to your life as a single person. Growth is not only possible but also exciting.
8. Plan new activities for the painful holidays. Perhaps family gatherings will not be the same as they were before the divorce. Planning new experiences will create memories unrelated to former celebrations.
9. Reach out and help other people. By helping others, you learn to love yourself and live again.
10. Stay close to your children. Communicate; be attentive to their grief.
11. Suggested devotional readings: Jeremiah 29:11-13; 2 Corinthians 1:3-5; Ephesians 4:23-24; Ephesians 4:30-32; 1 Peter 5:7

How to help your child with divorce

1. Tell your child how you feel even if you can't fully explain the feeling. It’s okay to let your child see you cry. Say, “I’ll talk about it when I’m able”.
2. Give gentle explanations, but tell the truth. When children are not given facts about the divorce, their imaginations will fill in the missing pieces and they may blame themselves for the divorce.
3. Don’t weaken the child’s relationship with the other parent. Don’t use your child as a go-between or a means of getting even with your former spouse. Parents shoot an arrow through a child’s heart when they talk negatively about each other.
4. Don’t try to make the child open up. Be available, accepting and non-judgmental. Most importantly, LISTEN. Love is the most important healing factor.
5. Be open to your child’s need for physical warmth. Touching will comfort and reassure the child of your love.
6. Encourage the child to talk about his or her feelings with a trusted adult. Don’t tell the child what these feelings should be. Their confusion and pain are real.
7. Keep the lines of communication open with your children. They are working through some of the same intense feelings you are.
8. Encourage the family to accept God's love and yours. Divorce in a family does not necessarily mean the parents do not love God.
9. Don’t assume that a child who has experienced divorce in the family is destined to have emotional problems later. Be attentive, however, to your child’s spiritual life and mental health.
10. Expect the feeling in a divorce to be similar to those when there isa death in the family. Realise though, that a family often receivesmore support after a loss by death.
11. Seek professional help if the child is highly upset. For most youngchildren, healing after a divorce takes about one year. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds.